There's, you know, a virus in our, y'know, language. YNOVID-19 is virulent and insidious, an airborne virus, extremely contagious, and, in severe cases, ravaging the victim's articulation. Social distancing and face coverings don't slow the spread; in fact, video calls and television are just as dangerous as personal contact.

More and more TV commentators, contributors, and interviewees are Super Spreaders, saying "y'know" fifteen times or more a minute.

YNOVID-19 causes three main symptoms. (1) It makes you inarticulate, like lots of "ah's" or "uh's." (2) It's annoying to others, mainly because they dislike the repetition, and in severe cases it fills the air so they can't respond or express ideas of their own. (3) It's nonsensical. If I already know it, why are you going to tell me? Wouldn't "I know" and "i'know’" make more sense?

As with any virus, some groups are at higher risk. For example, teenagers are more likely than adults to contract it from peers, and from their parents much more than the reverse.

The most vulnerable are those with pre-existing conditions, especially InsecureArticulation and Real-TimeSpeechEditing. For these sufferers, "y'know" simply replaces "ah" or "uh," to give their minds time to come up with the next phrase, or check it before letting it out. Less articulate CompulsiveAirtimeFillers find it a new way to keep others from getting a word in edgewise. It's also an idea crutch for those with DunnoWhatI'mTalkinAbout.

Fortunately, there's a vaccine: Awareness. To take it, start noticing all the "y'knows" of others. The easiest way is to count them. You needn't write them down. Just note them: "That sentence had five 'y'knows'; the next one three." A silent chuckle will increase your awareness and sensibility to it.

If you're already infected, there's a therapeutic: Listening to Yourself. That's important for all articulation, but not what we do naturally. It's hard to count "y'knows" while you're talking, but you can notice some of them and say "Oops, I did it." If you're still reading, that may now be hard to avoid. I hope so.

If that doesn't bring remission, go to the painful but effective next treatment. Confess to trusted friends that you're a "y'knower" and don't want to be. Ask for honest feedback—maybe holding up fingers for the number in your last sentence, or just, "You did it again." It shouldn't take much of that to start your recovery.

But if your symptoms worsen, you'll need a Ventilator, a set of therapist friends who'll respond in real time. Every time you say "you know" or "y'know," they must interject, "I know!" If that isn't effective, it's your articulation that will go into remission.

Vaccine distribution will be a logistics challenge, so our only long-term solution is Herd Immunity, which will be achieved only when this column goes—you guessed it—viral. Please, for the sake of spoken English, send this column to everyone y'know.

                                     © Copyright 2021 by Robert D. Smith